Don't let the lack of sunlight and all-Hot Pocket diet fool you: He's a vagina assassin. We all have a calling in life, and after fucking the basic math skills out of this professional, Stewart knows what his is. FULL SCENE
Admittedly this is all pretty standard 'i drank two whole Coronas on spring break and jerked off your dog in the basement' syndrome... but girl in pic #11 is asking for trouble. Like, losing your bottle deposit kinda trouble.
I'm all for pushing the limits. But when you need two tickets to fly coach cause you're packing more weight than Tyrion Lannister under your nipples, we officially have a fucking problem. #4 I'm looking in your direction.
Narcissistic dick toaster skips the small talk and goes right for the krusty burger - a secret menu item our hero victim never ordered. SPOILER: She gets rejected faster than transgender feminist in a Texas bathroom.
He was promised an all-you-can-eat buffet, he got cut off at the appetizer instead. Lesson learned: Always check the refund policy before dining in foreign places.
He bum rushes, she leaps away: a move this pro saw comin. He returns fire with a full-body thrust & hits the bottom of her gas tank. Reality sets in at 2:38 when she realizes she won the battle, but lost the war HAHA
Some will click this and see a beautiful human being. Others will bathe their routers in bleach and set a hard drive on fire. But me? All I see is the only movie star that can give herself 3 thumbs up. Call me Mr. Positive.
Spend $99 on camera equipment and suddenly you're the new face of humiliation porn. Do I believe this is real? No. Would I promise her my mini freezer full of Gorton's fishsticks to make a sequel? It's a solid maybe.
Actual Translation: im sorry i dragged my 3 inch kielbasa along your egyptian bedsheets and ended your marriage. see that pillow case? it's toilet paper now because i just shit myself in front of your knife WOO.
Today's Lesson: Halloween is not limited to 1 day on the calender, "Freddy Bangs White Girl" is more cannon than the last 4 movies combined, and watching a burn victim lay teh pipe is strangely erotic. Quiz tomorrow.
See that last look on Becky's face? It's the "aw fuck, i shouldn't have skipped my shift at Baskin Robbins for this" look. lol, no shit girl. 1) Mocha Blasts are delicious. 2) your dumbass wouldn't be front page WSHH material.
Cornelius-approved sex toy releases an unexpected bodily fluid, as the entire room watches in utter digust. She ends up completely embarrassed. You end up completely erect. Quote of the week heard at 4:45.
She's not exactly equipped with the rectal capacity of Richard Simmons, but the real deal breaker is bitching in broken English. Very reminiscent of a reoccurring dream I keep having involving Sofia Vergara and a billy goat.
Had a fully torqued meat wrench going until I panned on down to #16. Looks like someone crossbred Aubrey Plaza with a chimpanzee then shit her out of Sarah Silverman. In other words: I only ejaculated twice.
Maybe 'denied' is the wrong word, as it implies this shit faced Casanova was actually going to make contact before Deputy Dickbag appeared. It wasn't happening. Trust me. I've been to Burger King on a Friday night.
Cornholing: It's the make-or-break moment in a girl's relationship. There's always fear, but with optimism like "relax", and "you thinking bout it 2 much" our homeboy Octavious turns out to be the Bob Ross of mud gloving.
Some wisdom I picked up during my 6 hour stakeout of a bathroom at a monster truck rally: You get what you pay for. And by the looks of these leather handbags, I'd say this bitch used Groupon at the time of service LOL.
Tojiro Kawasaki Jr can't find his safe space when an anchovy-scented stripper makes a beeline for his face, muff-first. 2 words lady: SUMMER'S EVE. Pick it up at your local pharmacy right next to the Pikachu enemas.
Confirmation #92 that you're a fully fledged slutaroonie: The douchebag quartet (pic #5) whip their cocks out in the corner of a bar, and rather than go Kung Fu Panda on them, you snap photos for Instagram. #NOFILTER
Luisa wrapped her bichano around the wrong chalupa, and now she's gonna pay. I haven't seen justice served so epicly since the time I took a shit in the Blockbuster video return slot. $1 rewind fee on a DVD my black ass.
