Trashy brunette high off a feminist rally channels some standard white-female empowerment fantasy through the power of pussy. But the real trophy here isn't Cletus' snapshot, it's Hobo Jones in the background.
I've seen some pretty awful CGI in my day. Dwayne Johnson in The Scorpion King, that glacier scene in Die Another Day & the entire Stephen King library. But this? This has heart. And tits that moistened my pantaloons.
Meet 19-year-old Crystal. She has a knack for turning Toys "R" Us into a sexual sweatshop. And thanks to this waifu trying to be for laifu, 2 new items just made the list: Jump ropes and Hello Kitty helmets. I smell autism.
My African acquaintance in the entertainment industry has long told me porn & music simply don't go together. Upon the 11th time stroking my spring roll to this masterpiece, I'm beginning to think he's a fucking liar.
< 3 this girl. But to win her over I'd have to pull out all the stops: Netflix the Naruto filmography, brush up on Reddit lingo and comes to terms with being called silly shit like 'newbie', and 'stalker'. The things I do for love.
Never have I seen a girl articulate her sexual desires with such grace. Undeniably the most erotic mental imagery I've had since hearing about McDonald's 24/7 breakfast menu. Both are guaranteed to require a mop.
You probably heard about this already. Story spread faster than genital warts at a 2LiveCrew concert. What you may not know is the Ronda Rousey-esq triangle choke hold applied. It's a mother fuckin thing of beauty.
Deebo gets shown the fuck up by the most impressive white snake seen since the hair metal renaissance of the 1980's. Neato... but if he ever wants to visit her poopoo cabin he's gonna need optimism, and a crowbar.
Fueled by mental disability, these heavy-breathing fun seekers construct an excess amount (SEE: 1) of DIY love dolls. Imagine if you could get these things in a Chernobyl sweatshop - that's what they're mating with.
A pleasant reminder that in Rio De Janeiro, if a woman opens her mouth to do anything other than suck cock or eat creme de papaya, consequences will be had. I refuse to find meaning here... but 1 man already did.
It's that time of year again. When the sounds of regret coming out of all orifices at once still can't drown out some rimjob who considers the accordion a pivotal musical instrument. It's not exactly easy on the liver...
Poor execution, bro. People want to see a petite Puerto Rican with a size 0 waist become the target of that nut butter hail storm. Not a girl named Annushka and her fuckstick friend. Now apologize to her dollar store linen.
Luckiest 18-year-old this side of Germania gets a b-day gift for the ages... Silicone-free, rentable-by-the-hour vagina. Look out world, for the next 4.5 action-packed minutes belong to Clovis 'take no prisoners' Hofmann.
Ever watch Dumb and Dumber To? Me neither... but if they were to make a pornographic spinoff with Megan Fox, it might look something like this. Denied entry times: 12:20, 20:15 and Custer's last stand @ 23:30.
There's nothing more boner-deflating than being within inches of death, save for your dad walking in on you hammering it to Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. How this guy managed to ejac is forever a mystery to me.
I can't even attempt to describe this proctologist's wet dream. Her dimensions are more hypnotizing than Mark Wahlberg's cock in Boogie Nights. Actually no... that's another dimension of bewilderment, but u get the idea.
If I may be so bold, I'll speak for everyone here: I can forgive the low-grade cellphone quality. I can look past Ned Flander's head blocking half the shot. But giving us .GIF over .MP4? 0/10 you ungenerous, greedy shitbag.
There's a thin line between acceptable Facebook profile photos and wrist-deep rectal slaughter. Where that line exists, I don't know... but judging by the decorative wall piece behind them I can guarantee girlie #1 does.
