The last time I saw a girl this desperate for attention in walking distance of a Taco Bell, I had to look up the Spanish words for "help", and "ambulance" and "bitch relax, I'll get you Baja Blast if my supreme combo comes with 2 drinks okay?"
Ever seen a professional cocksmith go from smiling to disgusted this quickly before? She's pretty good at hiding it but lemme tell you... it's all fun and games until you're face-to-gut with a man that has the sexual endurance of a sloth.
Short of being a drug mule, I'm not sure how else this talent comes in handy. Never knowing the suffers of constipation maybe? An existance without fear of eating Kraft Singles 64-slices at a time... maybe that's the life for me after-all.
Most definitely not the first time this hypebeast has staged an attack on Cornhusk Island, and clearly it's not the last. Feel free to experiment next time man - maybe deposit a Twinkie before going dark? It's called The Moist Gremlin. I invented it.
She may come up short on words, but those facial expressions definitely tell a story. Specifically "yup, this is my life now", "i hope i get Instagram followers" and my personal favorite: "do i rly fuck like a piece of expired celery?" P.S. NICE ASS
I believe the youngsters around the AOL chat rooms call this "going hard in the paint". Check my myspace for more kool memes & be sure 2 like and subscribing.
The Uterus: Some men never experience contact with it. Others, try to plow their way through like their speed-running a marathon of Dig Dug games. And judging by this chicks' reaction: Our dude has an established Twitch channel somewhere.
Dude's ding dong is so hefty, it comes with it's own numbing kit. Becky may have survived the initiation process... but something tells me the future sex tape will be peppered w/ the words ouch & emergency surgery & 1st degree domestic abuse.
Acquiring poon in 2020 is straight-forward: Swipe right on Tinder a few times and let the self-loathing begin. Unless you're from the same state that pumps out these kinds of misfits. Then you have to be a raging sex offender get creative.
Just what in the fuck is going on here? Sneaky camera angles? Or are we actually witnessed the mating ritual of a Tyrannosaurus Rex? I don't know man, but one thing is for sure: Straight White Cervix Lives most definitely do not matter today.
Amateur Meme Porn: Sometimes it's about as exciting as an audio book of Ted Cruz customizing a value meal at Burger King. But throw in a girl with 2 moms and pays her vagisil bill with Venmo tips, and suddenly you got faps for days.
When your saddle bag is knee-level, and the age of medicare is on the horizon - maybe being labeled a sexual predator becomes the least of your problems? But for everyone else watching: You shouldn't even attempt this one. Like... seriously.
What happens when you let a Call of Duty YouTuber run wild with Windows Movie Maker and semi-legal pharmaceuticals? Sometimes a digital masterpiece like this. Other times, a restraining order that would make Joe Biden blush.
I've seen this hysteria before. The McRib comes back for 2 days and someone else is trying to sell you bargain beef in the parking lot for half the price. Listen closely Becky: Not now, Not ever. Now where the fuck is my Darkwing Duck happy meal?
5+ minutes of implied family porn even Dr. Phil wouldn't touch. I think it's pretty safe to say 2020 has officially jumped the shark when it comes to sister swagging.
Blatant use of vaginas, Public shaming, High definition cameras -- this video is more well-rounded than the Grand Slam breakfast bill I ran out on this morning. The kicker is in the last video clip. Really brings me back to the glory (hole) days.
What's that old saying again? Once you go black you almost lose your uterus in a domestic street fight, get ejected from your tiki hut, and see the business end of a Ginsu knife? Because... that's exactly what happened here. Shit's fucked up yo.
Listen up Patrick: when it comes time to splurge mom's xmas money this holiday season - try making it a worthwhile investment. Like a Kindle Fire. Or a noose.
Classic case of overconfidence. If only she put as much research into the elasticity of the rectal cavity as she did into her Warby Parker frames, then maybe this permanent mark on her resume could have been avoided. Live, Learn and Burn.
