Pleather choker, glow in the dark nail polish, and an occasional bitch slap weaker than the walls of Richard Simmons's rectum. I haven't seen this level of intensity since Leprechaun 4: In Space.
63 minutes of painal. This shit is so faptastic I actually canceled my dinner date @ Del Taco just so I could watch the whole fuckin thing. PROTIP: I cancel Del Taco for no one. THAT'S how good this video is.
Nice tits. Nice body. But what really sold me was the low mileage turd cutter. Take a good look. No wrinkles, no stains. It's nothing more than a mere dot, so cute you'd almost forget Cocoa Puffs come out of there.
This is wrong. More wrong than the time I defecated a weeks worth of BK value meals into the VHS case of Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and slipped it down a Blockbuster drop-box. Actually no, that was hilarious.
This is actually standard Japanese 'i cant satisfy you with my cock, might as well kill you' syndrome. Fortunately revolutionary science has blessed us with Extenze penis pills. Save up your fortune cookies bro.
The girl in video #1 is actually Jenna Jameson. It's pretty refreshing to know that not even the highest paid crackwhore in porn isn't immune from the delights of accidental sodomy. PROTIP: wasn't an accident.
This bitch is the Mother Teresa of blowjobs. I thought I was a pretty charitable bro after donating 3 Red Bulls to the caravan of female vagrants down my street last week. That's diddly squat compared to this Moesha.
Not really, but technically they should. There's 43 grams of protein chillin at the other end of that meat-stick, and she needs the nutrition like Lindsey Lohan needs cancer. So where's the enthusiasm?
There's a 25 second preroll ad. That's kinda gay. But what's not gay is peeing on women while wearing a cowboy hat. So raise your can of Diet Shasta and welcome home the man that invented just that.
How this girl was sexually aroused enough to secrete a glob of Cool Whip is beyond me. The sack of shit fucking her is as big as a Fiat. Fortunately he knows how to dress. Motherfucking camouflage brah.
Hey Christina. Here's a concept for your next big song. It's called "I Used To Be Hot But Now My Face Looks Bloated Like Newt Gingrich's Asshole & I Cant Stop My Vagina From Leaking V8 Splash". Straight from the soul.
Tojo stuck his ching up the wrong chang, and now this poor Asian broad aint gonna shit tofu right for another decade. There goes her budding career as scat girl #8 in the hugely popular "Oops I Defecated On You" series.
Another myfreecams.com slut, spreading her pussy lips for all the world to see in exchange for menial pocket change. Apparently ordering Papa John's while naked gives them a competitive edge. Love it.
They call her Cytherea. I prefer the moniker 1 Trick Pony. Her only claim to fame is her ability to urinate while impersonating Michael J. Fox, aka a 'squirting orgasm'. Shit's faker than Carlos Mencia's green card.
My Hispanic acquaintance at Baja Fresh has long told me blacks and Latinos simply dont get along. Upon my 16th time stroking my egg roll to this video, I finally began to understand why.
How to make your silly art shit 100x better: do headshots on the left and close-ups of the asshole on the right. That's what people really want. To match a face to a turd cutter. Not American Apparel ads.
Check out the snapper on this one! I'll probably end up having a wet dream or 5 about eating her out. Emphasis on eating. She's got enough McRib down there to feed Kevin Smith.
This dude is the Gandalf of making women cum and today his knowledge is all open source. Just practice some of his teachings and I promise... your 'girlfriend' will never scream rape again.
The snail trail fermenting in your cotton underwears I can tolerate. Shit, some folks might even find that erotic. But what's not erotic is the menstrual stains encrusted into your... well, you'll see.
Oscar Delamos - loving husband, father of 20, and official badboy of Best Western's security/janitorial department. Dude straight swaps free rooms in exchange for crackwhore pussy.
