Some wisdom I picked up during my 6 hour stakeout of a bathroom at a monster truck rally: You get what you pay for. And by the looks of these leather handbags, I'd say this bitch used Groupon at the time of service LOL.
Tojiro Kawasaki Jr can't find his safe space when an anchovy-scented stripper makes a beeline for his face, muff-first. 2 words lady: SUMMER'S EVE. Pick it up at your local pharmacy right next to the Pikachu enemas.
Confirmation #92 that you're a fully fledged slutaroonie: The douchebag quartet (pic #5) whip their cocks out in the corner of a bar, and rather than go Kung Fu Panda on them, you snap photos for Instagram. #NOFILTER
Luisa wrapped her bichano around the wrong chalupa, and now she's gonna pay. I haven't seen justice served so epicly since the time I took a shit in the Blockbuster video return slot. $1 rewind fee on a DVD my black ass.
Let's hope dude is better at guarding the food court than he is at laying pipe. Because after 38 seconds of vaginal contact, the show is over. No embarrassment, no questions. Just 1 federali multitasking like the boss.
Can't imagine this guy's life. Is it still considered 'gay' if the Alabama corn-holer you're sucking is your own? Here's to hoping the solution to that question is still on Stephen Hawking's bucket list. Time's ticking my friend.
I've seen some pretty awful CGI in my day. Dwayne Johnson in The Scorpion King, that glacier scene in Die Another Day & the entire Stephen King library. But this? This has heart. And tits that moistened my pantaloons.
My African acquaintance in the entertainment industry has long told me porn & music simply don't go together. Upon the 11th time stroking my spring roll to this masterpiece, I'm beginning to think he's a fucking liar.
It's that time of year again. When the sounds of regret coming out of all orifices at once still can't drown out some rimjob who considers the accordion a pivotal musical instrument. It's not exactly easy on the liver...
Ever watch Dumb and Dumber To? Me neither... but if they were to make a pornographic spinoff with Megan Fox, it might look something like this. Denied entry times: 12:20, 20:15 and Custer's last stand @ 23:30.
There's a thin line between acceptable Facebook profile photos and wrist-deep rectal slaughter. Where that line exists, I don't know... but judging by the decorative wall piece behind them I can guarantee girlie #1 does.
Nice taste in women victims. Terrible pickup strategy though. Two words: Adoption Agency. Join the rest of the evolved population and use a dog to break the ice next time, you repulsive inbred piece of antisocial shit.
He's having good luck of the blowjob variety, and it's all caught on webcam. Her reason? Token flow is low and she has to get an edge on all the other pizza sluts. Uh huh. I see her future now... and its wearing Depends.
South American harlot gets the dignity kicked/punched/stripped out of her after jumping into bed with the wrong husband. Lesson learned: When it comes to men named Alfonzo, keep the guavas tucked in at all times.
If only she put as much effort into those art classes as she does into her Spider-Man BJs, maybe that twat wouldn't be behind a paywall. I like you, I'll fap to you - but the pedestal is still reserved for Six from Blossom.
Hipster look without the feminist agenda. Not a bad piece of turkey jerky. Will I date her? No. Will I treat her to a Gummy Bear Jamba Juice and complimentary cornhole evaluation? OHY. Her Twitter. Her YouTube.
Diana "yes i'll have cheese on that" Dumpington's attempt to cover up the stench of her gas cloud backfires hilariously by pulling off a bank shot Kobe Bryant would be proud of. I'm kinda filled with envy.
S'n some D only has a few rules: Minimal teeth usage and keep the c-rings away from all other jewelry. Not a hard list but this backpage.com alumni decides to test fate anyway, resulting in an epic rage quit. GG NO RE
Nothing gets clicks quite like scenes of unsuspected sauce tossing. So here's 45 minutes of them. You read that right: FORTY FIVE - as in the number of erections I get during one episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Stripping: aka the quintessential stepping stone to full blown porno. Most trailer park residents cross over ASAP - but chances are they weren't gifted the Carrot Top prop-bag of genitalia. This ones gonna be just fine.
